 At least once a month a man reaches out to us to share his wisdom on something SheHive-related. The first happened before we ever opened our doors when an acquaintance emailed my business partner to let her know we were missing out on the knowledge of half of the population by being a women-only venue (as if we don’t hear what men have to say everywhere else we go and bring it to the SheHive with us). The latest incident happened last week when a complete stranger - let’s call him Frank - contacted me via Facebook messenger to let me know how my stance on eschewing “should” is so very wrong. To drive his point home, he let me know his therapist would disagree with me too. I’ll make sure, when we next meet, to let my therapist know I’m reversing ten-plus years of my own growth and learning because Frank’s therapist said so. (Yes, lovelies, that was sarcasm.) We’ll save my theories of why “Frank” and a handful of other individuals of the male persuasion find the SheHive - a place for women, not against men - so threatening that they feel the need to shovel their unsolicited advice upon us for another time. As I will also save my heated rant about any person who hasn’t earned the right to give me counsel in any way, shape or form thinking it is their privilege to do so. What I really want to talk about is that little - but oh-so-loaded - word… should. What's wrong with should?In its truest definition, should is a word that is used to convey obligation, duty, or correctness - most typically when criticizing someone's actions. It is someone else’s expectations laid upon your shoulders. Rule #1 at the SheHive is that we don’t do should. And it’s not because the shoulds others try to give to us are always bad - sometimes they are perfectly lovely pieces of advice or even useful. But because it is our core belief that it is never your obligation to follow someone else’s protocol for your life and that it is always your privilege to decide, at any given time, what is most important to you - and for you. The New Year, New You! shame spiralWe’re thick in the New Year, New You! time of year right now - those treacherous first few weeks of January when the self-help industry amps up the shame spiral that fuels their businesses the rest of the year by flooding our social media feeds with carefully curated articles outlining the eleventy-billion things we should be doing. In response it’s become a tradition of mine, during these first few weeks of the year, to Google things “I should do,” just to highlight the absurdity of it all. In 2018 the first page of Google search results returned a list of 72 things I should be doing every day - the mot absurd among them was fluffing my couch cushions daily. (Not a horrible practice, but a hell of a bar to rest my self-care upon.) In 2019 the list grew to 234 things. This year the list has grown to 338 things I “should” be doing. Again, this is from the FIRST PAGE of search results only. Oddly, when compiling the list, it struck me that Google apparently thinks I am a white, male, Christian, Boy Scout. Which can only mean one thing, right? This is Frank’s list - not mine. So, without further adieu, I present to you the 2020 list of 338 things Frank SHOULD do: Everyday, Frank should: Get out in nature Exercise Spend time with friends and family Express Gratitude Meditate Get enough sleep Challenge himself Laugh Touch someone Be optimistic Annually, Frank should: Get a physical Go see the doctor for other things Get a health check for his pets Scope his credit score Drain his hot water heater Clean his carpet Get his AC, furnace, roof, gas appliances and pipes inspected Reseal his outdoor woodwork Replace the batteries in his smoke detectors Take spring cleaning seriously Declutter his computer Trash his old makeup Get a wheel alignment Reassess his retirement plan Do his taxes More often, Frank should: Go to a coffee shop. Alone. Get up and watch the sunrise. Sing on the top of his lungs, loud and proud. Pray for others. Pray over others. Ask a random person to lunch. Laugh. Put the phone down. Try a new restaurant that he totally wouldn't usually go to. Say yes. Stop worrying about everything else before life passes him by before he can even live it fully. Read a book. Stop living in fear of what others are going to think. Write someone an encouraging note. Ask for help. Stop being so stubborn and independent. Call his parents just to talk. Buy flowers. Speak highly of others and avoid gossip. Challenge ourselves. Go to church. Take pictures. Send snail mail. Go on dates. Call dates dates, not just "hanging out". Talk to a stranger sitting by themselves. Eat dessert. Tell someone the Gospel. Relax. Tell someone they look pretty/handsome today. Go on adventures. Be optimistic about things and stop complaining so much. Be like a child. Do something silly! Love himself for who God made him to be instead of constantly comparing himself to others. Stop settling for any less than he deserves. Do things that make him happy. Initiate group hangouts and stop waiting for someone else to do it. Use social media for something good. Be eager for the day when he wakes up in the morning. Confront conflict instead of ignoring the problem. Make someone laugh. Remember the Gospel and the love the Lord has for him, His child. Listen intently. Worship the Lord, his God. Live life to the fullest and don't take a single moment for granted. Read more Disconnect from all technology Spend more time with family Get dressed up Make time for himself Call his relatives Explore nature / the world Make someone laugh Do things that make him happy Try new foods Write thank-you notes Defeat procrastination Think before speaking Be grateful Disconnect from technology Put his well-being first Wander without his GPS without purpose To grow into himself, Frank should: Learn a new language Try a new hobby Go back to school Wake up early Sleep in late (yes, this followed "wake up early" in the same article) Exercise regularly Take a solo trip Write a letter to his future self Ask for feedback Build to-do lists Quit a bad habit Help others Ditch negative people Journal Start a blog Ditch television Skip screen time Listen to a podcast Meditate Try public speaking Apologize (most likely for trying to lecture women he doesn't know on social media) Take a break Do something that scares him Talk to a stranger Call out someone for their bad behavior Stop laughing at bad jokes Stand his ground Take responsibility for his actions Identify his strengths and weaknesses Be honest Act locally Take care of the environment Surprise people Don’t show up empty-handed Admit when he's wrong Mind his manners Retrain his brain Walk instead of drive Stop shopping Do more for him Cook more Read some books Learn to say no (preferably to lists of hundreds of things he should do) Listen instead of speak Ask for help Share his goals Focus on money Delete apps Stop comparing himself Declutter While he’s still young, Frank should: Watch a sunrise in an unusual place Take a trip Find time for his younger brother or sister Don’t dream about kitesurfing - do it Conquer his fears Don’t pass by those who need his help Bring his most incredible idea into reality Find time for studying Compete to achieve more Take every opportunity to learn from a master Go to carnival with his friends Realize his childhood dream Dance in puddles in an unknown city Find the courage to be himself Fight for his love Don’t be afraid to get dirty making our planet cleaner Decide to quit at least one bad habit Show his creativity Hang out with his friends around the campfire without his electronic gadgets Talk to his grandmother Observe natural phenomena in person Join a dance club Don’t be afraid of responsibility Remember that the whole world is open to him Before he’s 30, Frank should: Attend college Learn to cook Know his family history Run a marathon Start a workout routine Start saving Improve his wine knowledge Find his BFF Land his dream job Find his cause Rage at a music festival Write a story Read, read, read Learn to get organized Stop smoking Indulge himself in luxury at least once Fail Learn how to network Sing in public Travel by himself Familiarize himself with a foreign language Enjoy the outdoors Rent a house with friends Get lost Go out on dates Pull several all-nighters Get himself out of debt Build his brand Move somewhere entirely new Before he dies, Frank should: Go on a road trip Visit all seven continents Live in a different country Sleep under the stars Watch all those damn movies people keep talking about Read all those damn books people keep talking about Make something from scratch Conquer a fear Donate his hair for cancer Disconnect for a week Go to a major sporting event Take part in a city running event Volunteer at a soup kitchen Host Christmas Adopt a rescue pet Eat something he wouldn’t usually Learn a new skill Get a ‘regrettable make out’ story Sleepover somewhere haunted Stay awake for 24 hours Attend a cop-raided party Get arrested Climb a mountain Swim in the ocean Sleep on the beach Pilot an aircraft Bury a time capsule and open it Take a cocktail making course Host a cocktail party Skinny dip Grow his own vegetables Have a “Ferris Bueller’ day Go to an expensive open house Research his family tree Leave a note for a stranger Give blood Google himself Ride in a limo Watch all of the James Bond films Try a sensory deprivation tank Give his lunch to a homeless person Get in a mud fight Protest something Karaoke Get his fortune read Swim under a waterfall Go on an aimless drive Go stargazing Follow a dream AND, as a bonus, here’s a list of skills Frank should learn how to do: Escape a sinking car Parallel park Build a campfire Fix a bike flat tire Split firewood Wax a car Paddle a canoe Use a chainsaw Do a perfect pushup Bleed his car brakes Move heavy stuff Paint a room Find potable water Get a car unstuck Fillet a fish Back up a trailer Shoot straight Sharpen a knife Change oil and filters Fix an outlet Navigate with a map and compass Drive a stick shift Take a perfect portrait Frame a wall Patch a radiator hose Tape drywall Use a stick welder Grill with charcoal Set up a ladder safely Build a shelter Ditch his hard drive Use a french knife Cast a fishing line Fix his Check Engine light Iron a shirt Maneuver a car out of a skid Paint a straight line Tie a bowline knot Read an electric meter Hang food in the wild Solder wire Use a circular saw Use a spade bit Use an infrared thermometer Chisel wood Use a hacksaw Use a torque wrench Use a framing hammer Use a grease gun Use an air-impact wrench Use a drill driver Use a hand plane Use a socket wrench Use a multimeter Use a brick trowel Use a sledgehammer Use a crosscut saw Put out a fire Change a diaper Drive in snow Remove bloodstains from fabric Fell a tree Ride a bike Conquer an off-road obstacle Whittle wood Hitch up a trailer Sew a button Throw a spiral Homebrew beer Replace a fan belt Mix concrete Replace a faucet washer Tie a necktie Grow food Handle a blowout Skipper a boat Make a drum-tight bed Shine shoes Carve a turkey Replace a broken windowpane Change a single-pole switch Fix a clogged sink Escape a rip current Use a sewing machine Treat a snakebite Survive frostbite Treat burns Handle seizures Remove ticks Change a car tire Shovel the right way Fix a toilet-tank flapper Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike Reverse hypothermia Perform the Heimlich Perform hands-only CPR Prune bushes and small trees Unclog a toilet Jumpstart a car Fold the flag Four ThingsDid you know your brain can only typically hold three or four things in your conscious mind at any given time? Bad news for Frank - and bad news for all those self-help gurus out there inundating us with lists of 10, 12, 20, or 95 (yes, 95) things we should be doing. If you’re curious, the were a few things that showed up consistently on most of the lists - putting down the phone, spending time in nature and establishing a mindfulness practice. If you don’t know where to start with your self-care routine, these practices might be good places to start. Or maybe they are exactly the wrong places for you to start. Only you - and your trusted advisors who have earned the right to advise you - can determine that. And that's exactly the point - you do you, lovely. Whatever that looks like, feels like, needs to be. Don’t let anyone else should you into thinking anything different. Not even Frank. What do you want to do in the new year?Drop a comment below or shoot me an email at hello@theshehive.com. I’d love to know what makes a difference to you and why! With much love and gratitude,  Comments are closed.
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