The 338 things Frank should do

At least once a month a man reaches out to us to share his wisdom on something SheHive-related. The first happened before we ever opened our doors when an acquaintance emailed my business partner to let her know we were missing out on the knowledge of half of the population by being a women-only venue (as if we don’t hear what men have to say everywhere else we go and bring it to the SheHive with us). The latest incident happened last week when a complete stranger - let’s call him Frank - contacted me via Facebook messenger to let me know how my stance on eschewing “should” is so very wrong. To drive his point home, he let me know his therapist would disagree with me too.

I’ll make sure, when we next meet, to let my therapist know I’m reversing ten-plus years of my own growth and learning because Frank’s therapist said so. (Yes, lovelies, that was sarcasm.)

We’ll save my theories of why “Frank” and a handful of other individuals of the male persuasion find the SheHive - a place for women, not against men - so threatening that they feel the need to shovel their unsolicited advice upon us for another time. As I will also save my heated rant about any person who hasn’t earned the right to give me counsel in any way, shape or form thinking it is their privilege to do so. What I really want to talk about is that little - but oh-so-loaded - word… should.

What's wrong with should?

In its truest definition, should is a word that is used to convey obligation, duty, or correctness - most typically when criticizing someone's actions. It is someone else’s expectations laid upon your shoulders.

Rule #1 at the SheHive is that we don’t do should.

And it’s not because the shoulds others try to give to us are always bad - sometimes they are perfectly lovely pieces of advice or even useful. But because it is our core belief that it is never your obligation to follow someone else’s protocol for your life and that it is always your privilege to decide, at any given time, what is most important to you - and for you.

The New Year, New You! shame spiral

We’re thick in the New Year, New You! time of year right now - those treacherous first few weeks of January when the self-help industry amps up the shame spiral that fuels their businesses the rest of the year by flooding our social media feeds with carefully curated articles outlining the eleventy-billion things we should be doing. In response it’s become a tradition of mine, during these first few weeks of the year, to Google things “I should do,” just to highlight the absurdity of it all.

In 2018 the first page of Google search results returned a list of 72 things I should be doing every day - the mot absurd among them was fluffing my couch cushions daily. (Not a horrible practice, but a hell of a bar to rest my self-care upon.) In 2019 the list grew to 234 things.

This year the list has grown to 338 things I “should” be doing. Again, this is from the FIRST PAGE of search results only.

Oddly, when compiling the list, it struck me that Google apparently thinks I am a white, male, Christian, Boy Scout. Which can only mean one thing, right? This is Frank’s list - not mine.

So, without further adieu, I present to you the 2020 list of 338 things Frank SHOULD do:

Everyday, Frank should:

Get out in nature
Exercise
Spend time with friends and family
Express Gratitude
Meditate
Get enough sleep
Challenge himself
Laugh
​Touch someone
Be optimistic

Annually, Frank should:

​Get a physical
Go see the doctor for other things
Get a health check for his pets
Scope his credit score
Drain his hot water heater
Clean his carpet
Get his AC, furnace, roof, gas appliances and pipes inspected
Reseal his outdoor woodwork
Replace the batteries in his smoke detectors
Take spring cleaning seriously
Declutter his computer
Trash his old makeup
Get a wheel alignment
Reassess his retirement plan
​Do his taxes

More often, Frank should:

Go to a coffee shop. Alone.
​Get up and watch the sunrise.
Sing on the top of his lungs, loud and proud.
 Pray for others.
Pray over others.
Ask a random person to lunch.
Laugh.
Put the phone down.
Try a new restaurant that he totally wouldn't usually go to.
Say yes.
Stop worrying about everything else before life passes him by before he can even live it fully.
Read a book.
Stop living in fear of what others are going to think.
Write someone an encouraging note.
Ask for help. Stop being so stubborn and independent.
Call his parents just to talk.
Buy flowers.
Speak highly of others and avoid gossip.
Challenge ourselves.
Go to church.
Take pictures.
Send snail mail.
Go on dates.
Call dates dates, not just "hanging out".
Talk to a stranger sitting by themselves.
Eat dessert.
Tell someone the Gospel.
Relax.
Tell someone they look pretty/handsome today.
Go on adventures.
Be optimistic about things and stop complaining so much.
Be like a child. Do something silly!
Love himself for who God made him to be instead of constantly comparing himself to others.
Stop settling for any less than he deserves.
Do things that make him happy.
Initiate group hangouts and stop waiting for someone else to do it.
Use social media for something good.
Be eager for the day when he wakes up in the morning.
Confront conflict instead of ignoring the problem.
Make someone laugh.
Remember the Gospel and the love the Lord has for him, His child.
Listen intently.
Worship the Lord, his God.
Live life to the fullest and don't take a single moment for granted.
Read more
Disconnect from all technology
Spend more time with family
Get dressed up
Make time for himself
Call his relatives
Explore nature / the world
Make someone laugh
Do things that make him happy
Try new foods
Write thank-you notes
Defeat procrastination
Think before speaking
Be grateful
Disconnect from technology
Put his well-being first
Wander without his GPS without purpose

To grow into himself, Frank should:

​Learn a new language
Try a new hobby
Go back to school
Wake up early
Sleep in late (yes, this followed "wake up early" in the same article)
Exercise regularly
Take a solo trip
Write a letter to his future self
Ask for feedback
Build to-do lists
Quit a bad habit
Help others
Ditch negative people
Journal
Start a blog
Ditch television
Skip screen time
Listen to a podcast
Meditate
Try public speaking
Apologize (most likely for trying to lecture women he doesn't know on social media)
Take a break
Do something that scares him
Talk to a stranger
Call out someone for their bad behavior 
Stop laughing at bad jokes
Stand his ground
Take responsibility for his actions
Identify his strengths and weaknesses
Be honest
Act locally
Take care of the environment
Surprise people
Don’t show up empty-handed
Admit when he's wrong
Mind his manners
Retrain his brain
Walk instead of drive
Stop shopping
Do more for him
Cook more
Read some books
Learn to say no (preferably to lists of hundreds of things he should do)
Listen instead of speak
Ask for help
Share his goals
Focus on money
Delete apps
Stop comparing himself
Declutter

While he’s still young, Frank should:

Watch a sunrise in an unusual place
Take a trip
Find time for his younger brother or sister
Don’t dream about kitesurfing - do it
Conquer his fears
Don’t pass by those who need his help
Bring his most incredible idea into reality
Find time for studying
Compete to achieve more
Take every opportunity to learn from a master
Go to carnival with his friends
Realize his childhood dream
Dance in puddles in an unknown city
Find the courage to be himself
Fight for his love
Don’t be afraid to get dirty making our planet cleaner
Decide to quit at least one bad habit
Show his creativity
Hang out with his friends around the campfire without his electronic gadgets
Talk to his grandmother
Observe natural phenomena in person
Join a dance club
Don’t be afraid of responsibility
Remember that the whole world is open to him

Before he’s 30, Frank should:

Attend college
Learn to cook
Know his family history
Run a marathon
Start a workout routine
Start saving
Improve his wine knowledge
Find his BFF
Land his dream job
Find his cause
Rage at a music festival
Write a story
Read, read, read
Learn to get organized
Stop smoking
Indulge himself in luxury at least once
Fail
Learn how to network
Sing in public
Travel by himself
Familiarize himself with a foreign language
Enjoy the outdoors
Rent a house with friends
Get lost
Go out on dates
Pull several all-nighters
Get himself out of debt
Build his brand
Move somewhere entirely new

Before he dies, Frank should: 

Go on a road trip
Visit all seven continents
Live in a different country
Sleep under the stars
Watch all those damn movies people keep talking about
Read all those damn books people keep talking about
Make something from scratch
Conquer a fear
Donate his hair for cancer
Disconnect for a week
Go to a major sporting event
Take part in a city running event
Volunteer at a soup kitchen
Host Christmas
Adopt a rescue pet
Eat something he wouldn’t usually
Learn a new skill
Get a ‘regrettable make out’ story
Sleepover somewhere haunted
Stay awake for 24 hours
Attend a cop-raided party
Get arrested
Climb a mountain
Swim in the ocean
Sleep on the beach
Pilot an aircraft
Bury a time capsule and open it
Take a cocktail making course
Host a cocktail party
Skinny dip
Grow his own vegetables
Have a “Ferris Bueller’ day
Go to an expensive open house
Research his family tree
Leave a note for a stranger
Give blood
Google himself
Ride in a limo
Watch all of the James Bond films
Try a sensory deprivation tank
Give his lunch to a homeless person
Get in a mud fight
Protest something
Karaoke
Get his fortune read
Swim under a waterfall
Go on an aimless drive
Go stargazing
Follow a dream

AND, as a bonus, here’s a list of skills Frank should learn how to do:

Escape a sinking car
Parallel park
Build a campfire
Fix a bike flat tire
Split firewood
Wax a car
Paddle a canoe
Use a chainsaw
Do a perfect pushup
Bleed his car brakes
Move heavy stuff
Paint a room
Find potable water
Get a car unstuck
Fillet a fish
Back up a trailer
Shoot straight
Sharpen a knife
Change oil and filters
Fix an outlet
Navigate with a map and compass
Drive a stick shift
Take a perfect portrait
Frame a wall
Patch a radiator hose
Tape drywall
Use a stick welder
Grill with charcoal
Set up a ladder safely
Build a shelter
Ditch his hard drive
Use a french knife
Cast a fishing line
Fix his Check Engine light
Iron a shirt
Maneuver a car out of a skid
Paint a straight line
Tie a bowline knot
Read an electric meter
Hang food in the wild
Solder wire
Use a circular saw
Use a spade bit
Use an infrared thermometer
Chisel wood
Use a hacksaw
Use a torque wrench
Use a framing hammer
Use a grease gun
Use an air-impact wrench
Use a drill driver
Use a hand plane
Use a socket wrench
Use a multimeter
Use a brick trowel
Use a sledgehammer
Use a crosscut saw
Put out a fire
Change a diaper
Drive in snow
Remove bloodstains from fabric
Fell a tree
Ride a bike
Conquer an off-road obstacle
Whittle wood
Hitch up a trailer
Sew a button
Throw a spiral
Homebrew beer
Replace a fan belt
Mix concrete
Replace a faucet washer
Tie a necktie
Grow food
Handle a blowout
Skipper a boat
Make a drum-tight bed
Shine shoes
Carve a turkey
Replace a broken windowpane
Change a single-pole switch
Fix a clogged sink
Escape a rip current
Use a sewing machine
Treat a snakebite
Survive frostbite
Treat burns
Handle seizures
Remove ticks
Change a car tire
Shovel the right way
Fix a toilet-tank flapper
Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike
Reverse hypothermia
Perform the Heimlich
Perform hands-only CPR
Prune bushes and small trees
Unclog a toilet
Jumpstart a car
Fold the flag

Four Things

Did you know your brain can only typically hold three or four things in your conscious mind at any given time? Bad news for Frank - and bad news for all those self-help gurus out there inundating us with lists of 10, 12, 20, or  95 (yes, 95) things we should be doing.

If you’re curious, the were a few things that showed up consistently on most of the lists - putting down the phone, spending time in nature and establishing a mindfulness practice. If you don’t know where to start with your self-care routine, these practices might be good places to start.

Or maybe they are exactly the wrong places for you to start. Only you - and your trusted advisors who have earned the right to advise you - can determine that.

And that's exactly the point - you do you, lovely. Whatever that looks like, feels like, needs to be. Don’t let anyone else should you into thinking anything different.

Not even Frank.

What do you want to do in the new year?

Drop a comment below or shoot me an email at hello@theshehive.com. I’d love to know what makes a difference to you and why!

​With much love and gratitude,