Last Sunday a producer from CBS’ Eye on Detroit, Tim, joined the SheHive KeyHolder’s monthly meeting to interview a few members of the team, film around the SheHive and learn more about the organization. It was the most polite meeting we’ve had in the SheHive’s 2+ year existence - nary one “fuck” was uttered during the meeting - and everyone, normally clad in sweats and top knots, was dressed to the nines.
Tim told us to expect the piece to air the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Then I got a Instagram message from him promoting today’s Eye on Detroit. I assumed it meant that our piece had been bumped up a few days. I went into immediate action, informing all the KeyHolders to tune in this morning, and working into the wee hours of the night to make sure as much of our new class schedule was online as possible.
And then… nothing.
The piece didn’t air this morning and I’m questioning Tim felt the need to share today’s promo. He wanted us to see what a promo looked like? He was super proud of the work and wanted to share? He wanted us to help promote today’s stories? He sent it to us by accident?
I still expect the SheHive story will air next Wednesday as originally planned (so tune in!), but today’s miscommunication has me thinking… why didn’t I just ask Tim why he was sending the promo to me before I moved into action?
Our most basic need is the need to be seen and to be heard by others - to be understood. Clarity is one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other. Yet we are often so afraid to ask each other for clarification when we don’t understand the signals, or the language or the intent. More so, we are afraid to make ourselves clear when others misinterpret us.
Which takes me back to the KeyHolder meeting…
Even though we cleaned up our language (until the camera left the room) and our outfits at Sunday’s meeting - the work done in that gathering was top-notch as always. We’re spending time through the end of the year making sure we are crystal clear on our purpose as a team and how we operate as a team. I’m pushing the team hard to move beyond platitude. For instance, saying we want to be a team that is trusting isn’t good enough - we have have agreed that trust, for us, means we don’t gossip, that we forgive mean moments (but not mean girls) and that we, individually, only commit to what we can actually do.
Clear expectations are kindness. We know what to expect of each other and what is expected of each of us, individually. We don’t have to travel among each other worrying that we have violated a standard, because the standards are explicit. You know what that feels like? Like freedom. Like love.
Of course, being clear is scary because then we also know exactly when we violate the rules - and when others have violated ours. We can’t pretend to not know anymore. That’s okay… we can do hard and scary things. Our track record of surviving every hard thing is 100% to date.
I’m committing to moving through this world with more love right now… by asking clarifying questions, by letting people know I want to understand them and by making myself clear. How are you going to show up with more love? I’d love to hear your thoughts! Comment below or shoot us an email at email@example.com.
Last month I wrote about standing up to bullies, setting boundaries and creating a life of badassery. At the end of that blog post I promised a second blog on how to confront people with whom we wish to maintain our relationship. So, here goes!
I know you want a simple, step-by-step, process because… me too, sister! But I have to confess, it’s just not that easy. So, before I attempt to put a very complex, dynamic and personal process into a few steps, a few caveats:
The process isn’t magic. Even knowing the process, you may still have to work through each step for a while before you know what you want to confront and why you need to confront.
So, with all caveats in plain view, here is my advice for healthy confrontation - an amalgam of psychological theory, knowledge I gained in therapy and what feels authentic for me. Please practice, edit and make it your own with my full permission and steadfast support!
Step 1: Look for themes. Pay attention to what it is the other party does that upsets you. Are there themes to the behavior, words, etc.? Talk it out with a trusted adviser before the confrontation. They may be able to spot the trends you can’t.
Curious how this might play out? Check out these three different scenarios below:
Scenario #1: Dirty House
So, there you have it. Easy, peasy, lemon squeeze-y, right? Nope! Confrontation is almost always difficult, but its doable and now you have an outline of a process that can help.
Have you successfully navigated confrontation with someone you care for? Share your story in the comments below and let others know what worked for you!
Dr. Corinne Rogers,