Easy, Peasy, Healthy Confrontation

Last month I wrote about standing up to bullies, setting boundaries and creating a life of badassery. At the end of that blog post I promised a second blog on how to confront people with whom we wish to maintain our relationship. So, here goes!
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I know you want a simple, step-by-step, process because… me too, sister! But I have to confess, it’s just not that easy. So, before I attempt to put a very complex, dynamic and personal process into a few steps, a few caveats:

The process isn’t magic. Even knowing the process, you may still have to work through each step for a while before you know what you want to confront and why you need to confront. 

You have to work up to it. It can take a while to work up the willingness to say what you need to say to a person you care about. And that's okay!

There are potential consequences. When we confront others, two things can happen: connections will improve or they will worsen. If we are in relationship with people who are working on themselves there is a likelihood of greater connection, but it is not a guarantee. As recently as this summer I have stopped talking to two different women after a healthy confrontation. But I can promise you - beautiful, brave, badass SheHiver - if you dare to speak your truth like I did, you will be living a more honest, authentic and, ultimately, free existence. 

So, with all caveats in plain view, here is my advice for healthy confrontation - an amalgam of psychological theory, knowledge I gained in therapy and what feels authentic for me. Please practice, edit and make it your own with my full permission and steadfast support!

Step 1: Look for themes. Pay attention to what it is the other party does that upsets you. Are there themes to the behavior, words, etc.? Talk it out with a trusted adviser before the confrontation. They may be able to spot the trends you can’t. 

Step 2: Ask yourself how you feel. Yep, you are going to have to talk about feelings! (Feel free to be pissed at me for a minute or two, breathe, and know that you knew we were going to have to go here.) Start by identifying what you feel at the surface level and then be willing to take it down to a deeper level by asking, “And what’s below that?” until you believe you have found the root feeling. 

Here’s a pro tip: The root feeling is probably not anger or frustration or anything with energy. More than likely it’s sadness or fear. And if you aren’t ready to go there and need to stay at angry, that is completely legitimate! 

Step 2 ½ : Ask yourself what you usually feel when in relationship with this person and what you want to reconnect to. Most of the time when we feel upset about how another is acting, it is because they usually act a certain way or we feel a certain way when in their presence and that may have changed. Get clear on what you liked and how you can add this as a compliment during the confrontation.

Step 3: Get clear on what you want/need. If you could have the other person change and act in a way that feels good to you, what would that be? Think long and hard about an ideal outcome. Journal about it, talk about it, and contemplate it until you can boil it down into a sentence. 

Step 4: Prepare to be scared. Even as a seasoned professional, I have never entered into a healthy confrontation with someone I want to remain in relationship with where I felt 100% confident, secure and peaceful about the interaction. But I knew it needed to be done and I was willing to be afraid while I said what needed to be said. 

Confrontation is not an easy task, so don’t ask it to be. Cultivate a willingness to act while afraid and create a plan for self-care after the conversation.

Step 5: Commit to using “I” statements. Every sentence you speak needs to  start with the word “I.” In doing so, you will be taking responsibility and only speaking to your experience. This will stop most debates as others generally cannot argue with what you know to be true FOR YOU. It will also keep you centered on your experience and your relationship to the person you are confronting. It does not mean that the person won’t feel defensive, but it usually takes this dynamic down a number of notches. 

Step 6: Compose your confrontation. Compose your confrontation in three sentences: 

1. 1. I notice...
2. 2. I feel… because what I know about you is [specific compliment].
3. 3. I would like…

Step 7: Say it and shut up. After you say what you have planned to say, sit quietly, breathe and wait for the other person to respond. Remember, you have been thinking about this… a lot. They might need time to catch up. You might even need to come back to the conversation at a later time after they have had time to process. Or you might have to let them talk for a long while before you get to speak again. Let them! Ultimately the goal is find a common understanding. Trust that, whether they need to process alone or, verbally, with you, it is exactly what needs to happen. 

Step 8: Seek to understand and be understood. Engage in respectful dialogue about the topic with a desire to understand, as well as be understood. 

Step 9: Feel like a total and complete badass for doing something no one likes to do!

Curious how this might play out? Check out these three different scenarios below:

Scenario #1: Dirty House

I share a house with my husband, who doesn’t care if the house is clean (but likes it to be uncluttered). I, however, like a clean house, hate cleaning and honestly don’t have the time and energy to clean. In a dream world I want to hire someone else to clean it. He thinks this is a waste of money and doesn’t like to let strangers into our home.

Confrontation:

(Notice): I am aware that our house is often dirty.

(Feel/Compliment): I feel unsettled and unhappy when I see the dirt in the house and you don’t deserve to live with a grouch for a wife because you are a wonderful guy.

(Resolution): I want to hire someone to come and clean twice a month and I want to discuss this with you.

Then I let him talk and we begin to discuss what could solve this problem. The outcome is not as important as him knowing that I am unhappy about the cleanliness of our house and our disconnect on the topic.

Scenario #2: Opposing Viewpoints

Your uncle has posted an article about how feminism is ruining the world for men. He is upset about losing his power as a man and blames you and your friends (or so it feels). You love your uncle and like seeing him. You know him to be wise, and kind and cannot imagine he ever felt this way. You are worried about Thanksgiving dinner and imagine getting a horrible cold instead of seeing him in a few weeks because you are so angry you might just burn his house down with the deep fryer he uses to cook turkey.

Confrontation:

(Notice): I notice that you posted an article about feminism and how men are feeling.

(Feel/Compliment): I feel sad and disconnected from you after reading it and the comments you posted, which is hard for me because I know you to be a warm, loving person.

(Resolution): I want to set up some time to talk about with this topic. I really care about what you think and I have come to understand that you care what I think. I doubt we are as far apart as it feels right now.

Scenario #3: Meddling Mom
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Your Mom told her chiropractor that you are single and need to meet some men to date. You have asked her a number of times not to set you up. You have asked her not to talk to people about your relationship status and to butt out of your love life.

Confrontation:

(Notice): I am aware that you have not respected the boundary I set with you about talking to people about my life.

(Feel/Compliment): I feel angry and betrayed. I know you care about me and you want me to be happy.

(Resolution): I need you to find new ways to love me that do not involve hurting my feelings. Can we talk about how this is becoming a problem for us both?

So, there you have it. Easy, peasy, lemon squeeze-y, right? Nope! Confrontation is almost always difficult, but its doable and now you have an outline of a process that can help. ​

Have you successfully navigated confrontation with someone you care for? Share your story in the comments below and let others know what worked for you!