In Episode 1: Hosts Ursula, Sonya and Jacki introduce Life on the Other Side of Should, a new podcast of the SheHive, discuss what the concept of "should" means to each of us, dissect "should season" (the beginning of the year), talk silver linings, and dive deep into the fact that we were all today-many-years-old when we learned that there are more than four emotions.
Welcome to our newest support group, perfectionists anonymous. Hi, my name is Corinne and I’m a perfectionist. Hi Corinne!
Come on ladies, you know you need to join this group.
Time and again, when I meet with women at the SheHive, I am struck with the truth that we all need to be in perfectionist recovery. In my assessment this idea that we need to be perfect usually presents in one of three ways:
Therapy Session Time
Listen up ladies. You are enough! Sitting there, right this minute, you are enough! The moment you came into this world you were enough. Every minute since and every minute yet to come, you are enough. Not one of you was born wrong, or flawed, or tainted. It is likely, however, that people used this language to mold and shape you in to their vision of what you needed to be. This was for their own needs and gains, and desire for perfection - not because it was true. And those people are a product of their family back in time forever.
And in this moment I invite you to stop believing this lineage of lies.
I tell you this because one, it is true, and two, it will free you from the wrath of perfectionism. I also tell you this so that you begin the work of believing it. But, changing your beliefs will take time, and repetition and support. Changing your behaviors, however, is an easier job. One that can be fun if you are willing to make friends with your inner rebel.
Back to the Fun
Inside of us is a version of ourselves who is dying to break the rules. Robin Breckenridge, who teaches the PIVOT course (which I can wholeheartedly recommend), calls this our “inner teenager.” It’s the developmentally appropriate part of us who shirked the rules of our family, society and “The Man.”
This teenage/ rebel part of you, she’s awesome and sassy and isn’t afraid to rock the boat. You need her!
I invite you to begin your perfectionist recovery by making friends with your teenage self. Let her make some inconsequential choices in your day and see if it doesn’t feel a little freer, more fun and just a tad bit bad ass.
Those inconsequential choices can be anything that won’t have lasting impact on your life. Stuff that won’t matter next week. This friends, is what I have come to call The Glorious Art of Half-Assery.
Examples from my life this week include:
Best of all, I took my inner rebel out for a much needed stroll in my world and put the perfectionist on a shelf, briefly, to calm the fuck down and get over herself. Best of all, I giggled at the shirking of the rules, the ridiculous standards I usually adhere to and stopped feeling stuck in my day. I loosened the grip of perfectionism, I practiced being enough.
A Half-Assed Challenge
So I challenge you SheHivers, fellow badasses, and recovering perfectionists, what can you do to practice The Glorious Art of Half-Assery this week?
Want to lean into this practice? Join me over on the SheHive Facebook group where we will share our successes with challenging perfection and find the much needed recovery support we need!
Come join the movement!
Dr. Corinne Rogers,
SheHive Founding Member & KeyHolder
Ever heard someone accusingly say, “She thinks her shit don’t stink!”? Turns out there’s actually something to that weird little idiom. Research has shown that our brains are wired to like the smell of our own odors as a means of self-preservation. Quite simply, we wouldn't be able to take care of our own bodies if we were repulsed by them.
So, no, “she” doesn’t think her shit smells. None of us do, it turns out.
The subject is top of mind right now because I’m vacationing in a small condo in Florida this week with a few other women, my bedroom is right next to the bathroom and even though I bought air freshener, no one’s using it. I’m getting gassed out because no one can actually smell what they’re leaving behind.
And if that isn’t proof that inspiration can come from anywhere, I don’t know what is. (Also, welcome to my brain - always looking for the lesson.) But, I digress…
Unaware of our wake.
None of us are fully aware of the wake our shit - physical or mental or otherwise - leaves behind. It just becomes a part of us as a matter of self-preservation. Which is why we need others - people whom we trust and have earned the right to guide us - to reflect a different reality back to us when we are ready.
But more importantly, the fact that we have to be blind to our own trail at times is a wake up call for how we treat others. Instead of getting irritated with the friend who won’t leave a relationship, or a job, or any situation that is obviously toxic, we need to proceed with compassion and kindness. Why don’t they change is less the question than, why purpose does the blind eye (or nose, as the case may be) serve? What story have they had to learn to accept so they aren’t repulsed by their own life? They can’t leave that story behind until a new one is written.
A call to compassion... and curiosity.
We all have had to make up stories to get through this world. Let’s stop shaming each other for them. And while we’re at it, let’s stop shaming ourselves for the stories we have had to accept in our past. All our stories served a purpose for a time.
Less judgement, more curiosity. Less disapproval, more compassion. Less shame, more love.
What stories served you in the past that no longer fit your worldview? How long did it take you to leave them behind and who helped you to do so? I’d love to hear more! Shoot me an email at email@example.com or leave a message in the comments below.
With much love and gratitude (and lots of air freshener),